and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.