Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
These 19 Teachers Had Very Inappropriate Interactions With Students
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
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Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?