Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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