Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
