drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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