Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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