he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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