Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'm way too hungover for life right now
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
