I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
