I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
