My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm just crazy horny about you
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
