I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Fuck appropriateness.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize