This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
