i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
