I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
