She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You have to summon your inner elephant
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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