My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
