Your favorite bartender is back from prision
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
