all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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