Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
