I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
