I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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