On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
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Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
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We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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