he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
