I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
