Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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