i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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