Your face is a jimmy john
well I can't set my house on fire every night
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just want nice things and good sex
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Randomize
