I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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