we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
