You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
