i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
