Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
i believe in u and ur pee
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
