If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
