We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
