Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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