I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize