my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
