Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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