You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
