Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
