i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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