She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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