How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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