Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
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I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
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just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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