Your mouth is God's brothel.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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