Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
