You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
