Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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