Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
