Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
