if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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