Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
