Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
