Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
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He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
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My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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