Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
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