Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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