Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
