if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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