By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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